Demolished
by MatveyJeevas
Summary: "Lily, you told me we're not friends anymore." "We're not," she said. "Just to make that clear. We're not friends." If he felt pain at this statement, it did not show. "Then why?" Lily considered this for a moment. "I… think I want to kiss you." Sev doesn't want to. What will he do when pushed? Fourshot. Takes place in 3rd year, 5th year summer (dual POV), 7th year.
1. I Didn't Want To

Madam Pince was shooing everyone out of the library as the Hogwarts curfew drew nearer. First years had already gone to their dormitories and second years all got kicked out half an hour ago. The rest of the students bookmarked their studies and shuffled out, most heading toward their dormitories, but some sneaking away into broom closets with their boyfriends or girlfriends in other Houses.

Fourteen-year-old Lily Evans placed a piece of scrap parchment into _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 3_ and tapped her friend Severus Snape on the shoulder. He glanced up from his own textbook and smiled tiredly at her. They walked together out of the library, arms full of scrolls and books and quills. Magic was not allowed outside of class, but it was common for that rule only to be followed near adults and strict Prefects; once they got into the hallway, Lily charmed their belongings to follow in front of them.

Severus rubbed his shoulder wearily and began to organize the floating objects in a neat stack. Lily rolled her eyes, leaving her things in chaos. She poked through to find some candy and handed a sugar quill to Severus.

"Thanks," he said, placing a real quill atop his pile and accepting the sweet one.

They walked in silence for a while, tongues coated with sugar, and Lily every so often looked over at her friend, wringing her hands and biting her bottom lip. She noticed the way he licked some of the sticky lollipop from the outside of his mouth, and quickly looked down at the floor. This was going to be… weird. She had been thinking for a while, and, well… why not?

Lily's hands felt numb, but she tried to keep her cool. A little way ahead, there was a door slightly ajar and Lily looked around the hallway quickly to make sure they were alone. When they reached the door, she was glad to see that her prediction was right: it was a broom closet. She stopped walking and stopped wringing her hands together. Severus halted as well, turning toward her with questions in his eyes. She smiled at him a little apologetically and spoke casually, confidently.

"Hey, Sev," she said. "I was thinking, we should kiss."

His pale face reddened into a deep blush at these words. Lily suppressed a giggle at his wide, surprised eyes, and she tried to look very serious in his direction.

Severus opened his mouth to speak, sputtering. She wondered briefly what her best friend was thinking. Lily had kissed boys before, but she knew Severus had not ever kissed anyone. So… maybe he would accept? Regardless, they both stood facing each other for several long moments.

"Sev?" she repeated, taking a small step forward.

He flinched and fell back a little, bumping into his books and stuttering again. Lily eyed his lips for a moment and shrugged, still trying to be casual and cool.

"Come on," she prompted. "I mean, I'm a girl and you're a boy and we're best friends, but it doesn't have to change anything. It's just a kiss, and well, why not?"

Her words seemed to have no effect on his expression, if anything they even worsened it. His brows were knitted together, mouth a strange thin line of confusion, head slightly upturned and altogether he looked like a deer in headlights. Lily was beginning to think that maybe this was a silly idea, but just as she was thinking that, Severus choked out a few words,

"Wh-what do you mean-?"

She couldn't help but laugh at that. "You know what I mean," she interrupted.

His eyes fell to the floor.

Lily reached out her hand and put it behind his neck, giving him this half-lidded gaze she practiced in the mirror sometimes. She gently tugged him into the closet. Severus's entire complexion had become ruddy. He was tense, but Lily stepped closer and even though she didn't need to, got onto her tiptoes and pressed her lips onto his, tasting the candy.

It was a strange moment. Severus hardly had time to register what was happening before she pulled away, smiling and looking very much like the flower she was named after; all innocent and dimples. The air felt hot and heavy with the awkwardness of the young teens, and Lily let out a short sigh before stepping backwards and out of the closet, pushing some hair behind her ear. She started walking again and took several steps before he followed, closing the door behind him.

"What was that?" he said suddenly, or rather, demanded.

Lily glanced over her shoulder and smiled. "I just wanted to kiss you."

He crossed his arms, giving her a very upset look. "What if I didn't want to kiss you?"

"You weren't complaining. And your face was bright red, Sev, I thought that you _did_."

"Well, I didn't—"

"Sorry," she said. "Okay? I'm sorry. It's already in the past. It won't happen again."

Severus shut his mouth and was very disgruntled, not only at her mild hostility, but also her statement that it wouldn't happen again. Okay, so _maybe_ Severus had wanted to kiss her. And maybe he wanted to again. And again. It was nice. And it was _Lily_, the girl he'd been in love with since they were little.

But she didn't speak again and he felt too uneasy to bring it up. They walked to the staircase and he went down to the dungeon, she up to the Fat Lady's portrait.


	2. Release

It was the summer everything was different. Lily was sixteen, and she felt too tall; her freckles and acne were all over her face; her breasts simply refused to grow since she was fourteen; and her best friend since age eight was no longer a human being. He had transformed into something akin to the devil, or at least that's what she told herself, remembering with a shudder that name he'd called her, the things he'd overlooked about his so-called friends, the spells he'd been inventing that were getting crueler and more gruesome.

The air was thick and a storm was approaching. It was mid-afternoon, with the sun beating down despite a heavily clouded sky and a half-light view of the town. Lily sat in the grass of her front lawn, pouring jellybean after jellybean into her hand. The tastes were all pungent and some disgusting, but she was not paying much mind to that, and instead chewed methodically while staring at an unturned page in _Jane Eyre_. It was her mother's edition and she had asked to borrow it, but around chapter three had given up. The text was blurred and unreadable, paper shuffling with the strong but pleasantly warm breeze.

Lily picked a blade of grass and put it into the novel, finally closing it. She stood up, looking up at the sky for a few moments before walking into her home. The living room was cool and welcoming, but her sister, Petunia, sat on the sofa and looked at her sister with disgust. Lily did not return any expression of contempt; in fact, her apathetic gaze was probably worse than any animosity towards her blond sibling.

Petunia sneered at Lily when she saw the book. "Are you reading Jane Eyre because you miss your ugly boyfriend?" she asked, voice nasally and rude.

Lily rolled her eyes, tossing the book onto the table. Petunia was one to talk. Her boyfriend was the ugliest man Lily had ever laid eyes on, and he was evil. Vernon Dursley grew a large black caterpillar under nose and when he got worked up, he had a purple face. Complete with a boring job about some Muggle compliances that Lily seldom paid much mind to anymore, Vernon was absolutely despicable and sometimes Lily wondered if Petunia actually liked him. He was fat and lazy and cruel to everyone, even his girlfriend.

Without responding to her sister, Lily walked into her kitchen and grabbed a glass cup to fill with water. She drank the entire thing in one gulp. The water was welcome in her dry throat, providing just the sort of energy she had been looking for. A tiny drop trickled down her lip, and she wiped her mouth as she went to the front door again.

"I'm going out," she announced, but Petunia didn't care and their parents were not home. Some kind of baby shower or wedding or something. It was about this time that their parents' friends were starting to remarry.

The fresh summer air felt somehow different now that Lily was hydrated; the sun seemed a little brighter, the clouds a little smaller, and even the grass seemed younger. She pulled a black rubber band from her wrist and tied up her long red hair. The walk was a long one, and she lost some of her vigor on the way to Spinner's End, but that was because the moderately normal streets were transforming into dreary and saturnine houses, lined up like slaves for auction.

Lily started wondering why she didn't bring a purse with pepper spray. She hadn't even brought her wand; yes, she was still sixteen, but no one would blame her if she used magic in self-defense. Lily was not trained in any sort of martial arts and didn't even know how to kick properly, as demonstrated by the lame attempts at hurting James Potter the past year. Okay. Maybe this was a bad idea.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw a middle-aged man in dirty clothes and she started walking faster.

Okay. Maybe it was a really bad idea.

But she was already halfway there. Lily almost started jogging toward Spinner's End, staring at each street sign and hoping it would indicate she was finally there. It took a full seven minutes after passing the older man before she got to where she wanted.

Severus's house was located in the middle of the street. As she walked down it she could smell the polluted river and wrinkled her nose; it was worse than she remembered, and far worse than any of the jellybeans in her jean pockets. When the frightful house was within sight, Lily stopped walking and felt her stomach tighten. This was probably a very bad idea. What if Severus didn't want to see her? After all, they weren't friends anymore, and it had been more than three weeks since she had ended their friendship. Their friendship that had lasted half of their lifetimes.

Lily inched toward the house and finally began walking at a normal speed again. Oh god oh god it was so close now. She could almost imagine his face staring out the window like she'd seen so many times earlier; only this time instead of the face of a child she imagined the too-large nose under cruel eyes and longer, greasier hair.

The Snapes' front lawn was not only unhealthy compared to the Evans', but it wasn't even green. She could detect a faint olive tint to a few patches, but the honest truth was that it looked like it was long dead. Of course, it had always been like this. And it always smelled this bad. And the houses always looked miserable, just like their inhabitants.

It was no place for a child to grow up.

Lily swallowed nervously and tiptoed around fox dung and wild mushrooms as she made her way to the front door. She took a deep breath and pressed her ear against it. A creaking floor gave away that Severus was home. No shouting gave away that his parents were not. It'd been a long time since she'd seen Eileen, and only once had Lily met Tobias, and that was before Hogwarts. Severus had taken special care not to let that happen again. She winced just thinking about it.

Lily pulled away from the door and knocked kind of loudly, but timidly. Both hands fell to her sides as she heard someone—Severus—approach the door.

For a split second she saw Tobias Snape beyond the threshold, looking down at her with small black eyes and a disapproving expression. She thought she saw the long, greasy hair and crooked nose of his father. But no—it was only Severus, who seemed so much older, so much more tired.

He was surprised, to say the least, at Lily Evans being on his doorstep. She scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Uh, hi, Severus," she said shakily, giving him an anxious smile.

"Why are you here?" he asked, voice cold.

Lily laughed nervously and shrugged her shoulders, looking down at the dirty ground. "I… can I come in?"

Severus did not reply for many moments, but finally he took a step back and allowed her to enter. She did and she glanced around the room quickly, remembering the distant echoes of childhood games. They had not spent very much time at Severus's house when they were little, but when they had, Tobias was gone and Eileen was not nearby. Most of their games involved pretend duels in this very room. She shuddered, feeling as if a ghost was present.

She glanced at the old black cauldron in the back corner, bubbling and hissing. "What's that?" she asked, gesturing to it. Severus looked where she pointed and told her it was an experiment.

There was an awkward silence.

"What are you doing here?" Severus asked again in a kinder tone.

She tore her eyes from the steaming potion and looked at him. "I'm sorry," Lily said, trying to articulate what she was feeling even as she tried to figure it out herself. "I just… had this impulse to…"

"Lily, you told me we're not friends anymore."

Time felt very slow and very fast all at the same time. The humid air, the thick stench, and dim lighting made the whole experience seem sort of like a dream to Lily. She wondered what Severus was thinking, as she so often had done in the past several years of their friendship. The things he said sometimes were just so… _unforgivable. _And yet it had taken so long to finish what she should have a long time ago. But right here and right now, the clock was ticking and he was expecting an answer from _her_ this time.

"We're not," she said. "Just to make that clear. We're not friends."

If he felt pain at this statement, it did not show.

"Then why?"

Lily considered this for a moment. "I… think I want to kiss you."

Yes, that was it. The relationship between them had been degrading ever since the beginning of fourth year, months after their first and only shared kiss. She had done that as a childish experiment, and again wanted to just _see_ how it would work. Now that they were older, maybe it could be more than a chaste touch of the lips. But of course it would not change the no-longer-friends aspect.

Severus looked affronted by this blatant reply. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could even start speaking, she threw her arms around him in a sudden burst of energy, and painfully collided their heads together. He wiggled under her grasp and then pushed her away, expression now betraying the hurt and confusion she'd been expecting upon her arrival.

"I don't want to fucking kiss you, Lily," he growled.

She wiped her mouth and took another step toward him. "Come on, Sev… please?"

She gave him the same half-lidded gaze from three years ago, bottom lip sticking out a little, lashes longer and fuller. The freckles dotting her nose still gave the impression of innocence, but Lily was far from innocent. She put her hands on his tense shoulders.

"I'm sorry I called you a—" he stopped, and they both looked embarrassed for a second. "I'm _sorry_ about that. But you already ended it. Get out of my house."

She wanted him to stop talking like that. Severus was supposed to have a crush on Lily. He was supposed to be attracted to her. _She_ was pretty, smart, and popular. _He_ was slimy, geeky, and hated by everyone. Severus was supposed to _dote_ on Lily. Not cast her out.

"Come on, Sev, I know that you want to."

He swallowed, and finally she knew she was getting somewhere. What was he thinking? '_Why not_?' '_I've got nothing to lose'_? '_Might as well'_? Severus stared at the shorter sixth year and his eyebrows betrayed much of what must have been whizzing through his mind: _it's Lily Evans, girl of my dreams, begging to kiss me. Go for it_.

But he looked at her a moment longer and then turned his head toward the door. "Lily, get out of my house."

Lily rolled her eyes and leaned in again, shutting him up. This time he was weaker and did not protest, but he did not kiss her back. She nipped at his pallid lips hungrily, arms wrapping themselves around his back, breathing a cherry-flavored taste of jellybeans and chapstick onto his mouth. The movements were strange and incomplete without his contribution. It was like kissing a doll. A decrepit, ugly doll.

She pulled back and looked up at Severus's face. He remained unconvinced that she liked him (she didn't) and although there was that pink tint to his cheeks, he still seemed to be in favor of not moving.

Lily shoved him a little harder than she intended to toward the wall that was a bookshelf. She pushed him up against it and lowered her hands to the small of his back, kissing the corner of his lips. Severus let out this soft moan, but whether it was pain from hitting the shelf or pleasure from butterflies, she did not know. But as Lily continued to run her lips over his and down his jaw and neck, Severus moaned again and she knew what was going to happen moments before it did.

Severus snaked his arms around Lily's waist. She grinned against his skin, kissing it all the way up to his lips again. She licked the bottom one, prompting his mouth to open and a guttural sound to come from his throat. Lily slid her wet tongue inside of his agape mouth, adrenaline coursing through her veins and body shivering with delight.

Severus was an unsure and bad kisser. His tongue was thick and unpleasant. Lily ran hers in twirls around it, just glad to be showing off.

Yes, this would show him. All those years when he could have taken advantage of having such a beautiful girl as his best friend. Why hadn't he ever asked her to kiss him? Was he afraid? Why would he be afraid after she had offered? One of Lily's hands drifted up his back, entangling itself in his coarse hair. She let the other one go lower, down to his ass, and despite the books digging into her back, left her hand there and smirked.

Severus seemed to realize what was going on, if he had not before, and he broke away from her and bonked his head on the shelf. He groaned at the pain, panting from the unexpected snogging.

"L-Lily," he stuttered, gaze deeply affected by her sweet breath. "W-we need to stop now…"

Lily rolled her eyes and kissed him again. That was the last time Severus protested. She left a trail of chapstick from his jawbone to his neck, where she began sucking, hard.

"Lily," he breathed out. But it was not in protest. Severus was so starved of attention that this was setting him over the edge. Lily moved closer to him and giggled into the hickey when, through clothes, she felt something hard on her lower belly. She pulled away from his neck with a loud _pop _and licked away some of the hot saliva.

"Sev," she whispered, the first time she called him by that name for many months. His arousal twitched. Lily kissed his jaw again and started to slip one, two, three fingers into his filthy trousers, hand dropping further down to grasp his underwear.

He was rigid and ill-at-ease as her hands explored his body. It was an intrusion of privacy in the most personal of ways, especially after Lily had broken off their friendship. Just _what_ she was trying to say right now did not cross either of their minds, but Lily lead him over to the threadbare couch and pushed him right onto it, pulling up his shirt, belly exposed. Severus's unhealthily pale skin was not a shock to Lily. He had been such a shy boy, so embarrassed to take off his shirt at the beach. She could taste the salt in the air. But that was a long time ago. He had a good reason to be embarrassed. His body was unappealing to say the least.

Nevertheless, Lily straddled him awkwardly and grabbed his right hand, bringing it up to her breast. It took him a full five seconds to figure out that she wanted him to grope it, and even then, he didn't let his fingers curl around the shape, hand simply dropping back to his side. Lily let out an annoyed sound and took it back, placing it more firmly on her chest. She wanted him to feel her—to understand what he had been missing, what he _could_ have had. The butterflies and gnawing feeling at the back of her mind didn't stop Lily from taking control. She made an effort not to feel guilty. He _wanted_ this.

Severus's erection was now visible because of their position. Lily placed his other hand on her left breast and then pulled off her summer t-shirt, a simple black bra underneath. Nothing special. But he groaned and looked up at the ceiling. Praying? Begging for forgiveness? Lily's smile was a little sadistic. She could almost hear him battling every step in his mind. He looked perfectly hideous, pale skin now hot red, hair smeared over his eyes and nose.

She poked her own breast so that he could see. "Do you like that?" she asked, voice strangely melodic and out-of-place. "You can touch me if you want."

He seemed unable to resist. Lily let out a soft, "_oh_," as he grabbed her boobs, giving them each a little squeeze. He looked up at her emerald eyes for the okay, but she either didn't know _what_ he was asking or didn't _care_ that he was asking. Severus blinked, looking very much like a frightened animal, and angled his hand to reach inside of her brassiere. His fingertips brushed her nipples, instantly hardening them. Lily moaned again and let out a heavy breath. She hadn't done this before either.

It went on like this for only a few more minutes: Severus's hands on her breasts and waist, Lily leaning in to kiss and lick and suck his chest. Everything about this was repulsive. But that only made it all the more compelling. Sev's fingers on her skin felt like little spiders spinning their webs. He was gentle. Sev was always gentle with Lily. His dirty fingernails made thin pink trails. It tickled. Lily loved this—Sev had always been a fast learner. She wanted to stare into his eyes like they had done in the beginning, as little children. She wanted to read his thoughts, but she'd never been able to see past those cloudy black eyes. Severus was a liar. He knew how to lie and when to lie, and he was good at it.

As Lily began to scoot down and looked down at his private area, a wave of cowardice overcame her. What was she doing? This had gone on far too long. Severus was a good liar. A good _actor_. His hesitancy could have been… oh god. What if he was pretending the whole thing? Her hands trembled at the buttons to his trousers, which were tight because of his hard-on. She hardly even poked the fabric before flinching away, as if burned.

"What's wrong?" Severus asked, blinking heavily.

Lily responded hesitantly. "I think… maybe we should stop."

She was panting on top of him, legs splayed over his. Severus pulled a lumpy pillow behind his back to look at her. She searched his black eyes with her green ones, wondering again what he could be thinking, as if he was a science experiment to test different situations on. _'What will happen if you refuse to fuck your former best friend? Don't forget to use multiple variables and remember: you need a hypothesis!'_

Lily's hypothesis was this: _If I refuse to fuck my former best friend, then he will be angry and sad_.

But after a second of silence, her hypothesis changed because of the look on Severus's face. It was a scary expression, terrifying even, and it made her blood curdle. He didn't want to make love. He wanted _her_. _If I refuse to fuck my former best friend, then he will not accept refusal_.

His nostrils flared like an angry wolf, mouth twisting into sick brutality. A vein on his forehead was visible; eyes tiny and so much like his father's. Lily froze at this expression, and for once she didn't care what he was thinking—all she felt in that moment was a lingering nightmare that didn't even belong to her. Nothing in the atmosphere changed; the air was still musty, stink clinging to every piece of furniture, heat creeping around like a shadow. But no, no, no—this face was not her best friend's. It hadn't ever been; that was simply impossible. This wasn't even Severus. An imposter.

Two seconds of terror were two lifetimes of it.

He wanted to fuck her, and he was _going to_, god dammit, whether she thought it was a good idea or not.

Lily scrambled off of him and fell to the rotting wooden floor, dust coming up in the loud _creeeeak_. She stood up, pulled her shirt on, and backed away several feet as Severus also got off of the old couch.

The face was gone. Lily was almost certain that Severus Snape had disappeared for one second, and then come back in the next: he looked like his normal self again, lines of hatred no longer creasing his features, eyes again benevolent. Unselfish. Lily tugged her shirt down a little more and crossed her arms.

After a moment of quietness, Lily turned toward the door. It felt like she was swimming underwater in here. Drowning. She had to get out.

"Lily, wait—"

She glanced over her shoulder. "I have to go."

"Hold on, just wait, Lily—"

"I really have to go… I shouldn't have come here. I'm—I'm sorry."

Severus took a painful step forward. "Lily… just one… just one minute, Lily, then you can go."

His earnest voice and wounded expression just begged her to stay. Lily turned on her heel and put her hands on her hips. "What do you want?" she asked.

"I'm sorry."

"You needn't be."

"I shouldn't have—"

"Called me a Mudblood?"

Severus winced. "No. I shouldn't have kissed you."

She let out a short laugh. "Oh, please, Sev. I'm leaving."

She turned around again, and this time, Severus did not follow. She opened the door and it felt like the water spilled effusively out onto the cement ground, overflowing to seep into the hungry gray grass. Oxygen hit her like a disarming charm.

Did he accidently say no just then? Maybe it was—maybe he meant like, that wasn't what he was going to say at that moment. Because he _had_ to be sorry for calling her a Mudblood. It was simply impossible that he would forgive himself so quickly.

Lily hurried through the grass, again steering clear of the waste and weeds. She did not look back. She didn't look to see if Severus was at the doorframe, or even if he followed her partway. This had been a bad idea from start to finish. What if Severus hadn't been home? What if it was his parents? Eileen? What if she invited her to stay for tea? "Oh, Lily, what are you doing here?" "I was actually just looking for Severus. Is he…?" "I'm sorry, he's out. Do you want to come in for some tea?" And then Severus would come home. Had he told his mother about the incident from OWLs? Probably not. Severus did not speak about such things to people, even his own—_especially_ his own family. Eileen would keep Lily there until her son returned home, and they would both act as if nothing had happened, for her sake, but then Lily would not come back ever again.

What if it was Tobias? _Who the hell are you?_ "I-I was just looking for—for Severus. Is he home?" _That good-for-nothing boy is off again. Damned if I know._ "Sorry. I'll just go." _Hold up. Why don't you stay until Severus comes back?_

Lily stopped thinking about it and veered off of Spinner's End, passing the spot where the grimy man had been. He was gone now. She breathed easier as the bad end of Cokeworth turned into the good end, where she lived. Look, there was a woman walking with a stroller. And soon came a little girl with her puppy.

Lily rounded up the corner of her street. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pink jellybean, tasting it. Grapefruit. It was sharply tart, but sugary too. Like sugar quills. Lily laughed bitterly; of course she would think about sugar quills.

The clouds started covering up the sun, and rain fell in a gentle drizzle. Lily walked up to her door and stopped before entering her home, soaking up a little of the rain. She took the rubber band from her hair. It was still slightly bent from the tight grip, but would soon flatten and probably frizz up from the humidity. The problem would be fixed with a shower. When her hand fell onto the doorknob, Lily's lungs emptied of water.


	3. Bubbles

Tuesdays were the _best_— Severus always thought so, anyway. At school, on Tuesdays he had Potions and History of Magic—which, while boring, still gave him time to write little notes on his paper and create new spells, a growing habit. And during the summer holiday, Tobias worked from six in the morning until two in the afternoon. That gave Tobias plenty of time to… indulge… after work. Which meant the Snape household was Tobias-free from sunrise until well after supper.

Today in particular was pleasant because Eileen was also out. Severus loved his mother dearly, but she was tense and a little bit stressful because she didn't know exactly how to act. Perhaps it was guilt. Perhaps she had no motherly instinct. But Severus had only been close to one person in his life and now she—

He tossed some crushed hellebore petals into his draught and started stirring clockwise, staring at the pinkish bubbling goo. This old pewter cauldron wasn't exactly the best for making potions, but it was all Eileen could provide, and he'd left his own copper cauldron back at school. Severus crouched down to a notebook on the floor and scribbled something down with a pencil. There was an abundance of pencils in this house, and there always had been, though Severus never really figured out why. He dropped the yellow stick to the floor and stood up, stretching his arms. He unlit the harmless but hot fire underneath his potion. Severus had been doing magic outside of school since they first visited Ollivander's. Eileen didn't really care; she trusted him.

As he walked across the floor to blow some dust off the bookshelf while he waited for the bubbles to stop, it squeaked loudly under his foot. Severus kicked the floor and cursed the house. The street. The neighborhood. The ripped curtains and cracked windows. He went over to the front window and stared up at the sky, wondering if maybe Tobias would come home early because of the impending rain. But no, that couldn't be so. The weather had never stopped his father before. Everyone hated this house. They all wanted out.

Severus looked away from the window, scowling at the grimy floor and soiled couch. It was so… _dirty_. The bubbles in the potion were still large and strong. Pewter was the worst. He thought about walking through the house to look into closets, see if any broom had a full handle to clean up this dusty floor. His mind trailed off to the racing broom upstairs, the one his mother used for Quidditch during Hogwarts.

Nah. Severus ran his fingers over the kitchen counter, frowning at a few overripe apples sitting in the middle. He strolled back into the living room and the floor creaked again, a little louder this time because he was walking a little faster. Just as he was about to sit on the couch, there was a knock at the door.

Instantly he became suspicious. He looked around at the cauldron and eyed the wand sitting on the floor by it. Fuck, fuck. He tried to summon it nonverbally, but _Accio_ was hard even verbally, even with a wand. Stupidly figuring, hey, can't be someone here to hurt me, Severus walked over to the door and opened it, light pouring into the otherwise darkened room.

As his eyes adjusted to the sunlight, he thought he was hallucinating. It was—it was _Lily_. Lily _Evans_. Standing outside his house, dressed in Muggle clothes that fit her body like gloves: a dark low-neck t-shirt, jeans with something in the pocket, hair tied up and looking very red against the grey background. He looked down at her, concentrating and trying not to break the character of a vexed acquaintance.

He could _not_ break.

"Uh, hi, Severus," she said nervously, with a little troubled smile.

"Why are you here?" he asked, a lot harsher than he meant.

Lily was obviously uncomfortable, and she let out this awful laugh. She shrugged and looked down at their feet, and he could see her toes wiggling inside of white sneakers. "I… can I come in?" she said, hesitantly.

He didn't know what to do. What was Lily… _Lily_… doing at his home? He thought she hated him. She wanted nothing to do with him. But it appeared not to be the case. Severus frowned at her and stepped aside, allowing entrance from the damp outdoors. Lily came in and started looking around shamelessly. Perhaps she was remembering all the fun they'd had in here as kids. Chess on the table, running around the couch—all the magic they'd done before they were allowed.

"What's that?"

Lily was pointing at his cauldron. The concoction continued to bubble. "It's an experiment," he said.

Severus shifted his weight to the other foot.

"What are you doing here?" he repeated, glad to keep his voice in check.

Lily looked away from the cauldron and back to Severus. He felt butterflies in his stomach when she made this cute little frown, as if trying to think of an answer to his question. "I'm sorry. I just… had this impulse to…"

"Lily, you told me we're not friends anymore."

She looked up at him unapologetically. "We're not." A knife found its way to Severus's throat. If he moved, he would be unable to control himself—begging for forgiveness was probably the last thing Lily would take pity on. "Just to make that clear," she said. "We're not friends."

He kept his expression cool. "Then why?"

"I…" she hesitated, perhaps bracing for his reaction. Severus felt impatient and annoyed. Why in the world was she here? "I think I want to kiss you."

Severus's face turned hot, butterflies erupting again. He grimaced and opened his mouth, struggling to find words. But all too soon Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and plastered a large, impulsive kiss right on his mouth, exactly like she had done so many years ago. He flinched out of her arms and pushed her, quite hard, away, shocked and bewildered that she would, that she could, do this all of a sudden.

He spoke harshly, "I don't want to fucking kiss you, Lily."

What a lie.

Lily looked up at him, face looking so delectable and sweet. Eyes half closed, lips pushed together, and eyebrows making a sad little face, she gave him this _look_.

"Come on, Sev… please?" she asked, placing her hands on either one of his shoulders.

This had to be a trick. She was getting back at him for—for that word he'd called her three weeks ago. Severus's throat felt dry as he said, "I'm sorry I called you a—I'm _sorry_ about that." Speaking hurt. "But you already _ended_ it. Get out of my house."

She looked angry. "Come on, Sev." Her voice sounded… annoyed? He knew all too well that an annoyed and angry Lily happened to be very dangerous. "I _know_ that you want to."

Of course he wanted to. Every inch of him wanted to, from the greasy hair on his head to the toenails in his moth-eaten socks to the thing between his legs. Lily was—Lily was his _life_. If she actually wanted to kiss, he would, oh god, he would kiss her. But something in her eyes made him certain this was to humiliate him like he'd humiliated her. _God_.

"Lily, get out of my house."

He didn't get a chance to speak after that because Lily pulled him forward and pressed her lips against his again, all cherry and sweet and perfect. Unsure what to do—she could very well be purposefully trying to hurt him now—Severus just stood there like an idiot. Even as she nibbled at his bottom lip, sending electric jolts from his mouth down his spine, Severus remained immobile.

His face was burning now, and she unlocked their lips, examining the embarrassed expression. Severus felt like a fool.

She pushed him, painfully, onto the bookshelf, knocking it and shaking it. Pencils rolled onto the floor and book covers flapped as books fell sideways. And then she was all over him, brushing her wet lips against his dry ones, creeping past that and to his trembling jaw, his neck, oh dear _god_.

He moaned again, this time out of pleasure. Merlin, Lily was good at this, much more brave than the last time they had kissed. Her Gryffindor trait shined bright, seeping into his jugular and his soul.

No no no this was all so wrong, so fucking _wrong_. Lily wasn't supposed to like him anymore. She was supposed to have 'moved on' or—or just forgotten. His breath hitched at her feather-light touches, the gentle caresses of a barber hungry for blood. Severus tried to break away but the bookshelf and his desire were both in the way. He wanted Lily so _badly_. And she was ravishing him, his throat, his heart, squeezing the reason from his mind as if she was making lemonade of his senses.

When his hands found her back, Lily kissed his mouth again. She was doing all sorts of things and Severus was reacting wildly and then suddenly _Lily's_ _tongue_, Lily's sweet and innocent tongue intruded his mouth, tasting like lemon and mint and a bit of cherry. He didn't even remember opening his mouth.

His back rubbed up against the bookshelf, little flowers of pain blossoming on the old wood. _ Snape, what're you doing? This is not okay. You're not Lily's boyfriend—you're not even her _friend_, you're just, just an old memory, just _stop_ it, stop it _now.

His thoughts took effect when Lily's hand reached his ass. Severus tore his lips away and swore under his breath when his head hit the bookshelf. He couldn't breathe, his mind was flying from each insane idea to the next.

"L-Lily," he choked out, distracted by the lemony aroma drifting across his face. "W-we need to stop now…"

Because honestly it had gone on too long. He should not have been kissing her. He should not have even been talking to her—it would have been wise to cast her out before she even crossed the threshold. But Severus could never have known that _this_ would happen.

But he hardly even finished speaking when she ignored his demands, shattering his resolve of avoiding it. Lily was a stubborn Gryffindor, and would persevere until she decided to stop. That was always how Lily was, right up until the moment he'd called her a Mudblood. She tried for so long to stay his friend, making up excuse after excuse until nothing could be excused anymore. Severus simply became evil in her eyes, a lost cause. But maybe not.

Severus moaned and whispered her name when she started sucking on his neck, warm teeth brushing against sensitive skin and everything blowing up all at once. His mind and his heart and his _everything_ swelling and crying like a child.

Lily dipped her hand into the back of his trousers and he hissed pleasurably. And then her hands were all over him, his cardboard chest, his bony ass, his concave stomach, jeering as she tenderly caressed his skin. Severus was motionless and kept thinking to himself, _she's fucking with you, she's fucking with you, she just wants to break you_.

She pushed him around, driving them over to the couch. Roughly, Lily shoved him onto it, springs digging into his already bruised backside, more shots of pain as if the girl wasn't enough. Severus squirmed uncomfortably as she climbed on top of him and lifted his shirt. Too much. His erection pressed hard against the too-small pants, hurting and constricted.

Lily pressed his hand to her breast, but he turned bright red and pulled it away, because fuck if he was going to touch it. That was too much, _way_ too much, impossible—fuck that. _Fuck_ that. He had more respect for her than to—

She groaned at his disobedience and pushed his hand against the shirt harder. Face burning, Severus flinched and when Lily _removed_ the shirt and her body was so perfect and he could almost imagine the outline of her nipples and she was _smiling_ and god oh god look away look away stop stop Lily _stop._

Lily used her own fingers to demonstrate, prodding the firm plump boob with her painted pink fingernail. Severus groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. "Do you like that?" Lily said, and he opened his eyes, staring up at her gorgeous face. "You can touch me if you want."

_Don't_.

Severus's hands shot up and he seized each of them, cursing the day he was born but squeezing them all the same. Lily moaned and moaned again when his fingers slipped inside the black bra and came in contact with soft nubs that stiffened. His lips twitched into a slight smile, a little bit of pride washing over him as he realized that maybe, maybe this could work, because, well, she seemed to be enjoying herself and, well, he'd wanted this for almost two years, since that Tuesday when they were fourteen and she'd kissed him right on the mouth.

He ran his hands over her breasts and down to her waist, her hips, taking in all that was _Lily_. She let him slide his fingers over her soft pale skin. Severus threw his head back when Lily started to kiss his torso, going lower and lower, making his cock ache. She flitted her tongue right below his navel, and then sat up, hands on his trouser's zipper.

Oh dear god. She was _going_ to—they would—

Severus was melting into the sofa, morphing from dubiousness to certainty in a matter of seconds. Her fingers brushed the pressured buttons and Severus moaned, bucking his hips slightly against the delicate handling. Lily had barely even touched him before she pulled her hands away. What? Why. His heavy, lustful head flooded with confusion.

"What's wrong?" he asked heavily, having some trouble controlling his head when he looked up.

Silence hung in the room like the clouds outside, ready to pour but refusing nature.

"I think…" she began, and Severus furrowed his eyebrows, completely perplexed. "Maybe… we should stop."

He frowned. What? Severus propped himself up on one of his old, beat-up pillows. He stared at her, lost in the greenness of her eyes, and he could see his own reflection staring back at him around the glint of light coming in from the narrow window. It was like staring at a stranger, hot-faced and wild-haired, in the mirror of his best friend's loathing. Her eyes did not betray sorrow or negotiation.

Severus was dumbfounded. Lily… didn't… want this? Why not? Was she really mocking him the whole time? Would she sneer at him from across a classroom, remembering the time they almost fucked but totally stopped right before the actual fucking? Would she watch him relentlessly, eyes merry and mouth smiling, as if throwing a Killing Curse right onto his chest? He definitely wanted something else on his chest.

This was worse than _Avada Kedavra_. This was not only a betrayal of an awkwardly rekindled friendship, but also an uncalled for breach of trust. Gryffindors were known for loyalty and bravery. Right now Lily represented neither; a personification of manipulation; a Slytherin. Her hot tongue was like the snake coming to bite his snake's head off.

Severus didn't realize it, but he was angry. He wanted to throw her to the floor and scream at her, say _don't you realize I love you can't you see what you're doing to me? _Maybe Tobias felt like this about Eileen. Perhaps this feeling was why after she first seduced him, eyes all innocent but magic pouring from her veins, it all ended in yelling and cutting those emotional ties and just doing what he wanted, and by God Tobias got what he wanted. And yet ever since he was a boy, Severus had hated his father and refused to be anything like him. So despite this feeling he could not do what he wanted. Severus's face scrunched up furiously, and now everything Lily said was completely irrelevant because even if she asked to continue he would refuse. She was refusing him now. It was only fair to do the same.

Severus gave her a look that did not reflect back in her frightened eyes. She moved away from him and dove off of the couch at the livid expression. Lily was obviously scared, but so be it. He wanted everything and nothing to do with her.

He realized he hadn't been breathing. Severus let out a heavy breath and sat up as Lily put on her dark green shirt over her bra.

He could only hear his heartbeat and panting and the loud bubbles from the cauldron. Lily all but ran to the door. Severus stood up, stumbling over his own feet just to grab her hand._ Wait Lily don't go don't leave me yet I'm sorry I'm so sorry please just be my friend I just want to be your friend can't we even be friends please please please Lily_.

"Lily, wait—"

"I have to go," she interrupted without turning around.

"Hold on, just wait, Lily—"

"I really have to go… I shouldn't have come here. I'm—I'm sorry."

Severus winced as he stepped forward, dying erection rubbing against unclean fabric. He sucked in a breath. "Lily… just one… just one minute, Lily, then you can go."

To Severus's immense relief, Lily looked at him again, as if redeeming everything he'd ever done. He smiled only for a moment before she asked coldly, "What do you want?"

Severus recoiled. "I'm sorry."

"You needn't be."

"I shouldn't have—"

"Called me a Mudblood?"

What? Was that what this was about, after all? Didn't she know that he was sorry for that the moment it had escaped his lips? "No. I shouldn't have kissed you."

Lily laughed sarcastically. "Oh, please, Sev. I'm leaving."

When the door slammed, Severus stumbled backward. His eyes flew to the window, but he couldn't see from this far away and she was already running away from the house, running away from Severus. Forever. He knew that this would never again happen, _could_ never. They were just sixteen-year-old kids and it was foolish to think she was even enjoying herself at all. Severus collapsed onto the couch and unbuttoned his trousers. He pulled down his underwear, warm air enveloping the freed wilting erection.

His breathing turned irregular and fast and god god god _Lily_ but it was over soon enough and the sticky result sat on his lap for a long time. Severus started at the other empty couch seat, feeling the creepy ghost of a kiss on his lips and stomach. He rubbed his jaw and was met with the minty scent of jellybeans. It was all so real, and fresh, but soon it would just be another bitter memory, something to forget and bury in the endless Tuesdays and Sundays and everydays to follow.

oOoOoOoOoOo

**A/N: So I totally wrote this a year and a half ago and was afraid to publish it. I changed it around a little bit, but I might need another draft or six. Please let me know how to fix it, I know it's awkward and wordy. There's ALSO still another chapter sitting around waiting to be finished! **


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